I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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