wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize