I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
