I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
