I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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