I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
