Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
