before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
