Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
