This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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