dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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