just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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