She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
