It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize