I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They have beer where we have blood.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
