we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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