meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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