what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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