Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
