I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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