I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
