the condom got lost in my hair
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
