I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
