i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
