Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
