I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
