I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
