I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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