I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize