I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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