It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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