hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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