So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
