I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
