3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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