I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
