i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
