I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize