Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
