Umm I'm too high to move.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
