Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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