I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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