We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
cat food counts as protein by the way
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize