farters have to be the big spoon...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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