If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
