'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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