i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
