hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
