im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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