the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
