2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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