a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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