every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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