I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
