When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize