I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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