Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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