you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize