when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
